Refuges

I love G-U-M!!!!

Since i was about 4 years old one of my very favorite things has been Gum!  At that age, if I wanted a chewy, pink stick I would quickly say "mom, can I have some g-u-m?"spelling it out, because Jap was still too little to chew it. Over the years it's purpose (to be chomped) has changed a bit, but i still love it any time of day or night! (And still chomp, unfortunately) I also do very odd things with it like, keep it on one side of my mouth while I chew my food on the other side, generously split it with friends when they ask for a piece, or save it in a bowl in my parents fridge when we go there to eat because "i just put it in my mouth before we arrived!". I could come up with perfectly good reasons why my actions are not strange or gross or wacky at all, and my sisters may admit to entering in to some of my weird treatments of gum, i don't know...but the truth is I have some bad and wacky habits on my hands and I don't know if I will ever change!!! Do you have any habits (whether they be BAD or "TOTALLY NORMAL", which can sometimes be the same thing) that are safe to share and worth telling for a good laugh??? 

Let me know!

Well, this is not just a post to tell you gross stuff about me, or to make you think twice before you conclude your habits to be normal. But, I wanted to share with you a habit that has been -over the years and to differing degrees- a refuge to me! 

Recently, Jord asked me to help him think of things he tends to make his refuge in place of God. (By "refuge", I mean things or habits we run to for any number of reasons instead of running to God for help and comfort and joy and satisfaction). After we collaborated for his list, i started to name my refuges. My list was getting PRI-TY long! And somewhere close to being my #1 refuge besides God was a habit!!! 

here goes: Picking zits on my face!

 i know that comes as no surprise to many of you who know me. For years I have been asking for prayer for this from my family and close friends! The most prominent time of struggle was between my junior year in high school and my freshman/sophomore year in college. I would come home from school, immediately go up to the girls' bathroom and look in the mirror and start to pick anything that remotely resembled a zit. I would end up squeezing half the pores on my face. Then I would cry! Angry and ashamed at myself, i would wash my face- hoping that it would cool and calm my enflamed and swollen skin...but, it would just sting. I knew the result of picking the zits would be more zits...but, i didn't really care that much. It became an everyday habit. I would pick so hard sometimes that my nails would leave little cuts, or scratch my skin. i literally looked like I had the chicken pox on my face! But, I liked how I could "take my frustration" out on my face. sometimes, instead of telling a family member that I was anxious about school or a friendship or a sin issue, I would just let my face know! one sunday, I even asked Katie Coughlin to pray for me because I felt addicted to picking my face! Worst of all, I was doing this in place of praying to God and running to Him! In a sense...I was using me face like a blogpage for my sin. I would cry to my mom "I hate when I pick my face! I hate having zits!" and she would pray with me. She and the rest of my family, katie dowling, maggie, and jord (who was just a friend at the time) started asking me challenging questions. Like, "when are you tempted to pick?". They all offered accountability in different ways: prayer, not letting me be in the mirror for a long time, giving me verses on self-control, charging me quarters for every zit that I popped (that did not last long:)yada yada. through their love for me and the truth in Scripture, i began to see that I was not just stuck in a bad habit but, a pattern of sin. God, my true refuge, was revealing my sinful heart to me. Now, I could see what I wanted to ignore, the SIN in my bad habit!!! I was making a refuge of picking my face. I was ransacking the temple of God. I was not being self-controlled. I was not casting my cares on God, but casting scars on my face. change did not come fast! I still wanted them to feel bad for me because i "couldn't help picking" sometimes. I still wanted to justify doing it now and then, especially the days when I was really anxious about whether or not Jord liked me (before I knew that he did). I still tried to hide it, by putting on a lot of cover up. I still wanted to have that refuge I carried around available to take my "frustrations" or "anxieties" out on! I still wanted to make it seem like a bad zit problem rather a sin issue simply published on my face! I still picked!!! But, change did come!!! with verses plastering the mirror, my room, closet, car... I started picking only once or twice a day rather than several times! then, it became only three days a week. Soon,  I would pop one, then pull my hands away and say "[jap, liz, kate], don't let me pick my face!".  then it was a mere prayer whispered under my breath, "Lord, I'm really anxious about something...please help me not to be anxious. help me not to pick my face! I want to make you my refuge!" He alone had produced this change, and had used His word and my family to help me! Instead of letting me run up to the mirror in our bathroom to pick after school, my mom would engage me in conversation about my day, school, friendships, walk with God, conflicts,  and so on. And help steer me to prayer and trusting God. I am even grateful for the fact that she didn't right away offer to buy me expensive face products. She wanted me to see my heart more than a way to fix my face. Later, we did get some good products, but after much change.  I still struggle with picking my face! sometimes I'll go a month without picking, then make up for it in one day. But, I can definitely say that God, by His Awesome Grace, has produced so much change in my life in this area. i am thankful for my refuge, Christ my God, he is my everything! 

The verses that spoke the most to me during this time were Proverbs 25:28 "A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls"/ 1 peter 5:7 "casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you." / Romans 12:1 "present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship!"

Thank you for taking the time to laugh at me for one of my habits, then rejoice with me for God's faithfulness to me with a sinful habit. I would encourage you to take time to think about your own refuges that take the place of God. He desires His children to draw near to Him and realize He is our everything and our ONE refuge. 

CHEW MORE GUM!!!